pitstop

Sunday, September 30, 2007 :::

i'm far too strong for my own good.

sometimes when i look back at all the troubles and difficulties i've faced, i realised the only common point is that i've faced it alone.

and it shouldn't be any different this time, should it?

and who shall i share it to? who can i trust? with me its all or nothing. either you know all of me or you know nothing at all. nothing.

i'm every bit as short-tempered, every bit as chatty, every bit as opinionated, every as crazy, every bit as random as anyone. why i choose to keep quiet most of the time i myself don't even know. maybe i just choose to appear at the right moment and come in with the hilarious one-liner. maybe i just think that i'm not needed til i'm needed.

that's why i always think. think that if you are the right one to crack me open, you'll find a gem under the non-speech and non-action. and i'll be everything you'll ever want and more. i sometimes laugh at myself for being less than what i am.

and now back to the issue at hand. i can't tell what i'm going through. there is no one in the right position to hear. first, you can't change my situation. second, i don't want to hear solutions. third, maybe i don't even want anyone to sympathise or commiserate with me. i just want a generic hug and a generic reassurance. and this, i think is enough for me to tide me through.

i'm far too strong for my own good.

even generic encouragment keeps me going. this sucks. i can't even have anything to call my own, nor anything mine to hold on to.

i know you have your own problems. that's why i'm not bothering you with mine. i know i have my own problems. that's why i'm not bothering myself with yours. a perfunctory asking will suffice.

and why should i? you have legions of 'close friends' to message to and you are close to everyone. that's why i only recieve a perfunctionary answer everytime i perfunctionaryly ask. arghh whatever.

and back again to the issue at hand. i'm always my best friend. no one knows me like me. no one understands me like me. and i'm strangely happy this way. that no one can break me and know me. yet i'm dying to be known. it's all or nothing. either all of me or none of me.

maybe, maybe, if you get me drunk enough, i can share with you some of me.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:26 AM

Sunday, February 25, 2007 :::

people always say love is a compromise, sort of an agreement of terms between two persons. i beg to differ. i think love is more like an empowerment, where each person becomes an extension of the other, and together they achieve more than they can ever than if they were alone.

people always say love is pandering to the desires of the other, spending time and effort trying to like and enjoy what the other likes. i beg to differ. i think love is more of simply appreciating what the other likes, but continuing to pursue his/her own interests.

people always say love is losing your individuality to achieve a whole and a union. i beg to differ. i think love is the ultimate celebration of individuality, where an individual is keen and interested enough to stick by on the long term to get to know the life of another individual.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:26 AM

Friday, November 24, 2006 :::

Occam's Razor is self-refuting.

Occam’s Razor: Of two equivalent theories or explanations, all other things being equal, the simpler one (makes the least assumptions) is to be preferred.

Hypothesis A and Hypothesis B explain X equally well. Hypothesis A and Hypothesis B are exclusive.

How to choose between A and B?

1.Just choose any one of the hypotheses. (no assumptions)

2.Choose the simpler hypothesis. (assumption: Occam’s Razor is true, that the simpler one is to be preferred.)

Therefore, by Occam’s Razor, we should choose 1 and reject 2, which incidentally is Occam’s Razor itself. Occam’s Razor is therefore proven to be self-refuting.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:30 AM

there are occupational hazards being a philosophy major. there are words that i never use anymore, in both informal writing and in conversation, because the philosophical connotations are too extreme.

take the word 'necessary'. it used to be quite a common word. until i found out that necessary really really meant necessary. something being necessary means that it is necessary in every possible world. it is necessary to be fillial to my parents, for example. but i could have been orphaned from birth, and did not know my parents, and i can't be fillial to them. therefore, it is not the case that it is necessary, in this super strict sense, to be fillial to my parents.

i never use 'casual' anymore. now it is all 'causal'. i got a shock early this sem when i saw my essay question, 'are there causal powers?'. i saw it as 'are there casual powers?'. images of casual sex and aids popped into my mind instantly. then i gradually realised, causal is so much more boring than casual. A cause B, but do we really know that? A cause B, therefore does A really exist? yawwn.

the philosophers of long past must like tools and gardening a lot. everything goes poke poke with Hume's Fork, chop chop with Hume's Hatchet, and shave shave with Ockham's Razor. now i cant shave properly every morning without thinking of dear Ockham.

bum. keep your sanity and your distance from in-depth and graded philosophy. i admire people who know nuts about philosophy and ask me 'so tell me about life', when they find out i'm a philosophy major.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:52 AM

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 :::

sometimes i wonder what it will be like if we had won rag. i'm sure we will be thrilled immensely, but would we then still have the passion to continue for rag 07?

it seems scary to be become like science. science gives me the feeling that they have to win, and that they must win. no one ever seem to smile or geniunely have a great time doing rag. i always hear harsh shouts of instruction and people, presumably freshmen, scurrying to follow those orders. and they come for rag day with armbands that say bi sheng and lian sheng.

i want arts rag to be fun and unpressured. for everyone to just have a blast doing tech or dance, and not to be burdened by the stress of retaining a title or living up to expectations. this year we broke all limits and records, by our standards. and i'm pretty sure next year will surpass whatever we have accomplished this year.

would then a title this year change things? it would have surely, it means so much for this batch of raggers. but it would put pressure on the next batch, and if they do rag for the sake of retaining the title, rag ceases to be a dream. it becomes yet another chase.

so we did not win. it may be unfair, but it may be a blessing. hold on tight to the rag dream, and we will reach soon.

gosh i miss u guys already =|

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 11:00 AM

Sunday, July 02, 2006 :::

i'm suffering from camp withdrawal symptoms again! i can remember myself so vividly last year after arts camp, i was so high i cheered to myself in the shower for days! but this year, the withdrawal symptoms are not in the form of cheers, but of nostalgia as i recall the 5 days i spent with my OG.

it is certainly different coming for arts camp as a freshman and as part of the organising committee. it is definitely more fun as a freshmen, to enjoy the camp fully and to bond with other freshmen friends. being part of the o comm is so hard. the responsibilites are hard to bear, especially when it involves drawing ourselves away from time with the OG. yet, it was to provide this batch of freshmen with the kind of fun i had last year that i chose to commit myself to these responsibilities. arts camp changed my life! hahaha!

i'm so glad and impossibly relieved that war games turned out well beyond what i expected. right up to the minute the mike was passed to me, i had no idea how war games might turn out. i had the games planned out, had the logistics laid out, had the manpower properly sent out, but had no idea of the effect when all these are put together. but when i saw the houses cheering incessantly and i had no way to stop them from cheering and cheering, i knew exactly what i was working so hard for =)

i see myself in the freshies; being happy just to run around and get orcales and pills/spirits. my world completely turned the first time an OG cheered for me for spirits. i can't articulate the feeling i experienced. it was exactly the same song that my OG did last year; the song that gained us many many pills. and now i'm the one in the center awarding the spirits to them. if there was a list of things to do before i pass on, i already have this ticked out =)

i already lost my paper plate, but i have read the messages and they mean so much to me. thanks to everyone who made all these possible!

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 12:04 AM

Monday, June 12, 2006 :::

i'm reduced to a pile of tears and mucus as i read the messages on the card that my cell group gave me. memories and thoughts just flooded my mind then, and i can't grapple with all that meant to me.

there is a tinge of regret as i retrace my steps, an forlorn sigh as i count the cost. i regret that i gave church and cell group the last priority everytime, and my cca always the first. it seems that there is an invisible punch-card i can't hide away from and that someone is always looking and checking to see if i have done enough. i believe that i have, and more, but at the cost of all other things that was once important to me.

this is not to say that i regret joining my cca and doing projects together. i learnt many great stuff and met wonderful people, but as the year closes i find myself back at where i thought i started my journey. i have slept through the peak of my passion, and i awake alone to find that others have moved on and experiencing unprecedented breakthroughs.

i don't resent or abhor the decision made for me to move to another cell group. it takes a different kind of spark to set this dormant passion back into flames. our hearts tug but it is our eyes that see the vision. as much as i cant bear to leave, my eyes see the vision of who i want myself to be in God, and my feet hastens in this pursuit for the ultimate prize.

i love W328 to bits and i can't express adequately how much each of you mean to me. i have had a crazy time laughing and fellowshipping, praying and fasting with you. but beyond that, it is your friendship and unwavering support for me, inspite, that matters to me. i'm sorry i find it hard to express myself in speech all these while, but i really really love you guys. really really really.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:07 AM

Friday, June 02, 2006 :::

watched xmen yet?

the movie brought several ethics issues into question, but i shall not attempt to discuss it here because im confused myself as well. instead we shall look into some more uplifting issues.

did you notice the scene where magneto has all his brotherhood mutants on the bridge ready to charge into the research facilities? it suddenly came to mind that we are all like the mutants; we are all imbued with different talents and different abilities, but yet each is as important as his neighbour towards the cause. every person you see in the same mrt carriage is given different gifts by God but equally important to His cause. so there is no need to envy others and what they have, because ultimately it is what you have that God will use, not what you wish you had.

talking about abilities, did you notice the porcupine boy in the brotherhood? the one that sprouts sharp pines out from his face and body? well, that seems to me to be quite dorky, when you put him next to people who can command fire or zip around in a flash. considering my first point that everyone's gifts are equally important, he is important to the cause, but how did he get to such an high position as magneto's aide? it surely cannot be due his porcupin-ing abilities; it had to be that he must be responsible and willing. therefore, it is not gifts or talents that get you to positions that influence, but a willing heart to follow and being accountable and responsible.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:35 AM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006 :::

i'm not negative. i'm just critical.

i'm not pessimistic nor out to get others. i just think through things very carefully and say what it really means to me.

there are some thoughts that i've been having these few days as i read a few blogs.

people say he who accuses without leaving a name is a cowardly act. i beg to differ. i feel he who accuses without evidence is the coward. to me, you can say anything you want, send as much hate mail as you desire, without even the need to identify yourself, as long as the comments are backed by accurate and relevant facts. anything short qualifies itself to be disregarded without guilt. afterall, when you accuse, it's not about you but the facts, so you can keep your name to yourself.

people practise double-standardness all the time. when you judge others for their judgement of something, holier-than-thou has just committed the same sin as them. so he may not tolerate abnormality, and you don't tolerate him for feeling this way. that puts you in the same league of 'let-me-show-you-how-ignorant-you-really-are'. and me as well, as i write this, for not tolerating you for not tolerating him. hey i didnt say i'm objective, i'm just running thoughts through critically.

now, if i don't believe i'm at fault and you don't believe you are at fault, is it then his fault for first starting this judging thing? but it can't be, since his articulation of his feelings is backed by his actual feelings. i guess the way out of this circular trap is to just disregard comments that lead to nowhere. afterall, talking is easy, you just have to move your mouth a bit. that's why i never looked upon highly on people who just speak and speak. it makes their talk cheap.

there is no way the following claim can be true. 'Acknowledge and thank those people who dare to openly criticise you. These are your true friends in life.' by this account, bush and america must be 'best friends forever' with osama and the terrorists. whoever criticises you has more of his interests or his pleasure at heart than caring about you. if the criticism is sustainable, be the favoured prodigal son. if the critcism is groundless and a personal attack, don't kay xiao and act humble when you are bleeding inside. shoot that bastard back into his place. or, if you are strong enough, do as was suggested: disregard comments that lead to nowhere. talk is cheap.

i'm more than happy to recieve counter-arguments and hate mail. socrates once said the unexamined life is not worth having. i say, the unchallenged life is like a zeng-ed car. it looks pretty and can make turbo sounds, but hey, it is moving in the wrong direction all along.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:56 AM

Sunday, April 23, 2006 :::

The Five Love Languages

Complete set of results

Information

Friday, April 21, 2006 :::

things to do after exams

1. clean up my room

2. work out and train up

3. continue reading back fool.com

4. continue writing didactic blog stories

5. go jb for dvds and t-shirts

6. work hard and get to know my friends better at settlers'

7. finish up writing my song

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 11:58 PM

Saturday, April 08, 2006 :::

it is terribly amusing when someone claims that he cannot be confined to a desk and do tasks from 9 to 5 daily, as if it was something to be proud of.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:36 AM

Monday, April 03, 2006 :::

when i say 'let's argue about it', i don't usually mean raising voices and throwing chairs at each other. an argument to me is more like a scholarly discussion. you set out your pros and point out my cons. i set out my pros and point out your cons. then we weigh in each factor and see where the balance hinges eventually. and we are still friends in the end

it is not easy having an argument. it entails you to be willing to stake your beliefs and ideas. in hope of getting others to understand you, you have to be open to what the others have to say. you cannot simply come in expecting people to listen to your views and your perspective when you don't want to see thiers and understand their point.

lastly, be sure what you are championing for. please articulate exactly and precisely what you want to say, instead of framing thoughtless general statements that generate a lot of flak but achieve nothing. don't you compare apples with oranges.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:40 AM

Monday, March 20, 2006 :::

i feel that in every organisation and committee, there is an underlying unspoken vision that moves entire projects and events. the official vision that is presented may not capture fully what the committee is really about; it is thought about in just a few days. but yet you will see as the days and months pass, this vision will become more apparent.

i see the 26th term as more of a ' repairing the bridge ' term. through all the different projects undertaken, it is obvious, but not quite understood, that the main aim is not just the events, but the process of rebuilding ties.

Arts Club is now on extremely good terms with the top, namely OSA, OED, NUSSU, Arts Deannery, a far cry from the relations last term. it wasn't easy to regain the trust, hock had to do all the liaising and assuring. it was even worth it to sacrifice some aspects of arts bazaar so that the event was largely within OSA regulations. Prof Shandre was also appeased this term, with none of the behind-the-back cursing and insults that were common last term. i have respect for people who respect their leaders, and i feel hock is tremendous in regarding Prof Shandre. it is apparent how supportive he is, in arts vital, showing up in various events, and giving $400 for ragging welfare.

Arts Club have also rebuilt and re-strengthened ties with the various societies under us. through the ADCC, projects and personal relationships with the societies, Arts Club is not percieved as 'elitist' or on an ivory tower. there are many issues that Arts Club can never provide assistance directly, such as the societies' lack of funding or lack of students' participation, but we try as best to provide logistical/ administrative support and advice to make their events successful.

also, it is apparent that the 26th have been regaining support from students and, more importantly, affiliates. it is quite a sight to see affiliates from previous years coming back to help out, especially when they have once helped but were disappointed. now through various projects, students don't have to know Arts Club, or remember anything that we ever did, and they can still enjoy some sort of welfare provided, such as arts vital.

i wonder what sort of vision 27th will have. will it continue this process, or will it attempt something else now that relations are good? i can't wait.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:37 PM

Monday, March 13, 2006 :::

arena is finally over. what a journey. i just read tim's blog, he said it's the same feeling on the eve of an arts club project, the same shuffling of feet, the same mad rush of calls and sms-es. but something in me feels that this is not the way i would like things to work.

maybe i just like to plan everything way in advance, to run things in my mind, think of everything and put the ideas down on paper. my idea of a project is to settle paperwork beforehand, place everything in boxes, have a good night's rest, and then chiong all out on the event. i get scared when the clock is ticking down on me.

maybe its over-generalisation, but i know i think like an administrator. i like to think and think and process and process; knowing i've a good plan makes me self-assured. that's why i spent the entire previous night thinking about all that needs to be covered and confirmed during the last arena meeting. i din want to miss out any minor detail.

steven thinks like a programmer. it's obvious because he came to the meeting without preparing what to say. he started on a topic and moved on from there, jumping from a topic to another. i was pretty upset then, because he was like playing ti kum, hoping that he manages to cover everything moving around aimlessly. i din say anything much during the meeting, but i had my list in front of me, crossing out in my head each item that he managed to touch on, and would have come in at the end if he missed anything.

but its not to say that thinking like a programmer is in anyway bad. steven did cover a lot regarding the layout of e2max, the placement of the registration booths, movement of the competitors etc, that i would have given little attention to.

maybe its just the speed, urgency and different focus at which all of us differently work that caused arena to be what it is.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:42 AM

Friday, February 17, 2006 :::

i never really said it before, but i admire and respect jasmine. i used to wonder why, at the 25th Thank-You Dinner, she received one of the five best affiliate award. to me then, she was just another affiliate always sitting at that same spot on the study bench in the clubroom, never appearing to be doing anything much.

but what i didnt know was what she singlehanded did the marketing for the entire 25th FOP projects. sometimes the quietest person may be the one doing the most work. she wasn't at all boastful about it, nor flaunting her achievements. she was just always there at that same spot doing her own work.

i know i'm not ra-ra at heart, even though i may be siao on or act silly sometimes. i know my forte lies in simulating events in my head, pointing out problems and requirements that the event plan may have and how things should work together. i know i have no strength to push a project through by myself, but i always build on someone's else project and make it better. and this is why i find myself easing into positions where i can foresee and plan events and programmes, and co-ordinate different sides together to form a coherent unit. by far, jasmine is the best role model in this aspect. she is exactly where i envision myself to be.

i've seen her documents of Rag 2005. They are very detailed and very precise, so much that it takes someone with great foresight to plan in such advance, under so much uncertainties. Every aspect is covered with a great deal of precision. to me, just by reading these documents, i feel overwhelmed knowing ive just taken over the very same role, and i have to match up.

she has similar work temperament as me, never really caring about the personal affairs of others nor indulging in gossips about others, but just wanting to sit down and do the best for the projects in hand. being in rag for now 4 years, and twice dpd, she seems neither tired nor jaded, and is so willing to help out. it is surely not easy, seeing how freshies who have been raggers for only a couple of months now run off at the mere mention of rag. it is not only her proficiency that i admire, but it is also this tenacity that i respect.

we had a talk once, and she told she she never cried so much as she did in while in arts club. yet in spite, she's still holding on. i've had my tears too, similarly, and i will hold on.

she told me something, which puts it all in perspective, ' in the end, what are you really working for? who are you really accountable to? '

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:27 AM

Sunday, January 29, 2006 :::

i've been thinking. thinking if i would tender in again for next year.

and i realised, i've lost the fire. i don't feel the same passion i know i once had. not after trying so hard, and left with so little. not after crying over something that should have brought me fun and joy. not after being stuck in a position where i don't have a say in the vision, and not even in a position where i can learn anything at all for next year.

it's just a duty i perform now. and it all ends here. no more next year.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 10:27 PM

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 :::

i get knocked down, but i get up again.

nothing is gonna keep me down.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:49 AM

Friday, January 13, 2006 :::

i haven't said this for a very long time now. but really..

fuck you.

all i ever wanted to do is arts camp. i planned it way, way in advance and was pretty happy when i submitted what i thought was a pretty good proposal. so i was rejected because someone else could do a better job? that's fine. and it turned out that i'm not even in the core comm. not in a position where i can help shape what arts camp will be like. not even in a position where my views will even at all be considered.

all the dreams i had, all the passion i had, they are all gone. i'm nothing more than a bystander now. it seems pretty obvious that my enthusiasm is not regarded and my capabilities are not thought highly of. it seems so convenient to leave me out.

do you know how much, just how much it hurts to be across the room, listening to the meeting i was looking forward to all these months, and yet not a part of it? i cried. i couldn't take it so i ran away and hid.

i'm deflated. i have nothing more to say. except

fuck you.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 10:01 PM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 :::

i managed to piss off two of my dearest friends in one night because of ideology. it's so unbelievable it's incredible.

i don't know why i feel this way. my thoughts are driving my actions and words and it's drving me crazy. sometimes i really feel that i'm trying to force-feed my idealistic ideas right down their throats. we are all different and i can't expect them to feel and think the way i do. as she has put it so succintly, " i think ur mad ".

i'm sorry. i think i really am mad.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 12:26 AM

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 :::

i just don't understand.

i really don't know what exactly they are looking for. but what i know is that what i tendered in was pretty good. and i know what it feels like to see my efforts, my time and my fruits go POOF!

it's philo essay again isn't it? the same emotion, just that it's a hundred times more painful. i can't keep count how much time i've spent on it. would you believe me if i said i joined MC solely because i wanted to do arts camp? and would you believe me if i said that i was already taking notes and thinking about arts camp before i was even officially a MC member ? recalling whatever i can about artstasy, all the aspects that makes it work, building up from scratch, way before the first time i ever saw how a proposal was done.

i feel strongly about, anyone, desiring to be a PD, for any project, should be very clear on the vision, aims and objectives, of the project. how else does he expect not to be swayed by other opinions and be distracted by unnecessary stuff? also, on his committee structure and committee roles, how else does he expect to know what he can expect out of his committee unless he's absolutely sure where exactly each responsibility lay? that's why i feel that wholesale cut and paste jobs are clear signs that he or she is not geniunely interested and that it is merely just another generic project.

and so i came up with a whole new committee structure, taking into account all that i've noted during artstasy, past arts club projects, and visualising the scale of the arts camp that i want. i thought clearly what each committee member should be in charge of, to whom each are accountable to, how closely they can work with other members whom are under a different DPD, without having to go through internal red-tape, and making sure if there are enough checks, that no one neglects, and no one does too much.

i thought of what arts camp will entail; how aggressive publicity should be at what time, how marketing should be done, how to align, without compromising the vision, the programmes and activities to ensure maximum marketing opportunities. i thought about how taxing it will be on the publicity executive during the period just before the camp, and how tiring it will be for the logistics team during the camp, and if alternatives can be found to tackle this problem. i thought about how the programmes should progress, how to plan the activites so that the atmosphere and energy levels flow during the whole duration of the camp, and about how to split the gargantuan logistics aspect amongst the different executives and teams, so that their workload is even and gradual as the camp progresses. i even thought of how to arrange the clubroom during the arts camp period so that the place can maximised and be readily accessible and condusive for camp preparations.

with all this in mind, i started on my proposal weeks before the deadline. some of this points i managed to include in my proposal; some i could'nt find a place to fit in. it took me so much time and effort thinking through this stuff, how to put it across in a succint and concise manner, and then re-reading, re-conceptualising and amending throughout the weeks. even until the last minute, i was reading through and making sure that everything i could think of was covered. i wasn't late in submitting the proposal in accordance to the deadline set. and there are proposals that are done in half a day, with half of it lifted from somewhere, which are late, that are accepted.

what's the point of it all anyway? do they even read the proposals? or do they first turn to the page where it states whose proposal it was? if they already pre-decided the outcome, why then give us false hopes and waste our time?

why then?

i just don't understand.

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 4:35 AM