Sunday, September 30, 2007 :::
i'm far too strong for my own good.
sometimes when i look back at all the troubles and difficulties i've faced, i realised the only common point is that i've faced it alone.
and it shouldn't be any different this time, should it?
and who shall i share it to? who can i trust? with me its all or nothing. either you know all of me or you know nothing at all. nothing.
i'm every bit as short-tempered, every bit as chatty, every bit as opinionated, every as crazy, every bit as random as anyone. why i choose to keep quiet most of the time i myself don't even know. maybe i just choose to appear at the right moment and come in with the hilarious one-liner. maybe i just think that i'm not needed til i'm needed.
that's why i always think. think that if you are the right one to crack me open, you'll find a gem under the non-speech and non-action. and i'll be everything you'll ever want and more. i sometimes laugh at myself for being less than what i am.
and now back to the issue at hand. i can't tell what i'm going through. there is no one in the right position to hear. first, you can't change my situation. second, i don't want to hear solutions. third, maybe i don't even want anyone to sympathise or commiserate with me. i just want a generic hug and a generic reassurance. and this, i think is enough for me to tide me through.
i'm far too strong for my own good.
even generic encouragment keeps me going. this sucks. i can't even have anything to call my own, nor anything mine to hold on to.
i know you have your own problems. that's why i'm not bothering you with mine. i know i have my own problems. that's why i'm not bothering myself with yours. a perfunctory asking will suffice.
and why should i? you have legions of 'close friends' to message to and you are close to everyone. that's why i only recieve a perfunctionary answer everytime i perfunctionaryly ask. arghh whatever.
and back again to the issue at hand. i'm always my best friend. no one knows me like me. no one understands me like me. and i'm strangely happy this way. that no one can break me and know me. yet i'm dying to be known. it's all or nothing. either all of me or none of me.
maybe, maybe, if you get me drunk enough, i can share with you some of me.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:26 AM
