Wednesday, November 23, 2005 :::
it's not easy not to feel disappointed when you recieve back a paper you have spent considerable time and effort on, only to recieve average marks. and when you realise your friend received higher marks, the pain goes deeper, especially when you have read her essay and realise it's not as good as yours.
and i had behaved badly when i learnt that carol had done exceptionally well for her second philo essay. i denied the merits of her essay, shouted ' cannot be! ' across the room, accused her tutor of leniency and mine of stringency, and totally refused to accept that she did better than me.
i was sore about it for days. and it came to me how shallow i had been. that in spite of friendship, i viewed carol as a direct competitor. that i had been selfish enough to subconsciously want her to flop so i can do well. that i thought i should be the only zai person around.
it's not easy, but this past weeks i have been trying unlearn emotions that come so naturally. trying to fight back jealousy and the urge to whine at apparent unfairness. trying to learn to be genuinely proud of her achievements and to commend and encourage her. trying just to be a true friend.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:45 PM
Friday, November 18, 2005 :::
felt really troubled today. i can't explain how or why. it feels like a sense of bereft, like i've lost something that i've loved, forever. it almost feels like my season in the lives of some is over.
and even if it is so, that people do indeed come and go, i want to leave knowing i've done something in their lives. i don't want to be the one just to hehehaha around people and not input anything in their lives. true caring, for someone that means something to me, is more than just laughing at each others' jokes or silly antics. i want to be the one to press into into important yet overlooked areas in their lives, to be the one to tenderly tell them what things they are doing wrong that they don't see, and to be the one to encourage them along and to see them grow.
i don't believe in meaningless companionship, in intimacy without depth of understanding. that's probably why i'm always careful with what i say and what i do, because i know what i say and do directly affects those around me. i make conscious effort never to say anything negative in public or gossip. every comment will be made face to face, or at least, in open view to everyone. in the end, i do realise, i'm accountable for every idle word i speak. it all comes back. so i choose to speak life, even in bleak times, that everyone may be inspirited.
so now, when i know they have to move on and that i'm staying behind, i hope that i have had at least some input in their lives, that they were at some point encouraged and spurred on by me. and this, as i wave goodbye, would be a consolation for me.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:09 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005 :::
lesson learnt : always look behind while reversing the car
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:10 AM
Monday, November 14, 2005 :::
sometimes when i try to find something witty to say, i inevitably will say something that offends people. and when i realise it, it's usually too late to say sorry.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:58 PM
Saturday, November 12, 2005 :::
lesson learnt: never leave home without keys, no matter how sure someone will be at home.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:00 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005 :::
i felt really mad today. i abhor this jackson-bashing nonsense. i don't like people to talk bad behind other people's back, especially when we are a committee.
what really pushed me over the edge today was when they gathered in the com room and started looking at the arts club website. and they began to compare other fac clubs' website with ours, all the while making sarcastic remarks like, " wah! biz ad club site got pictures leh! " and " whoa jackson said science club site is nothing leh! ".
the arts club website may be less than what he promised, but a good website cannot be done in a mere couple of months, moreover that he has 2 major portfolios. the other fac clubs had already well-maintained websites when they took over, and probably only had to do some minor updates. yet from a totally nonexistent website to something now, it is already a good achivement, and no one really seriously gave jackson any credit for securing a sponsor that made the website free.
jackson did say our site will be better than science's, but it is now too early to hold him to that word. creating a website from scratch is totally unprecedented, unlike conventional projects like arts open where there are still seniors to ask assistance of. yet so, current projects are not being held on any larger scale nor are new and bolder projects being attempted.
it seems easy to point the finger at jackson and question why he didn't try harder, and only 1 sponsor came in for arts open. the truth is he got 60 cartons of drinks, most of which they are drinking everyday, when there was only 6 cartons sponsored last year. why was the question instead not " the sponsorship increased, why had the scale of arts open remained unchanged? " it is unfair to expect someone to work harder and achieve more than last year's, when they are not doing the same.
jackson may have given big boastings to sell arts club projects as a whole to sponsors and to match the quality of an established fac club's website, and so more may have expected out of him because of his boasts. but to pick on him purely based on this is tantamount to a personal attack, and no longer because of work, because to say the least, he has not failed in any of his portfolios.
what really pissed me off today was the whole group of them gathered to talk behind his back. if there was anything that they told me before, it was that they rather have someone talk it straight to their faces if that someone was unhappy about something. this is hypocrisy and an uncalled for group-attack.
i don't know why, but i'm particular about the working dynamics of a team. i really do not wish us to become like the 25th. it is said there's politics whereever you go, but i do believe it is possible for all of us to be happy and healthy together.
sometimes if i don't show it or say it, it doesn't mean that it's not there or i didn't see it. although i may not say alot at times, i put my integrity on every word that i say or write.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:54 AM
Sunday, November 06, 2005 :::
i feel very guilty. i haven't been spending time with my parents of late. too many nights at the club room, even if there was nothing to do. that's why i had almost cried when i saw that they had spent time and effort making a " happy birthday guanjie " decoration piece out of coloured paper and glitter.
it stands proud and pretty in the living room and my heart can't help but go soft whenever i see it. it's not something extravagant, but it's the thought and the effort to make something so unpractical that touches me. my dad and mum are both working, and i really didnt expect them to stay up late after a day of work and chore to cut paper, decorate and paste them up while i was asleep.
itis by far the most unhappening birthday i had, but yet this is the most memorable, because my parents did this decoration for me. and now, whenever i see it, i know they love me. i am so blessed =).
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:32 AM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005 :::
i realise my blog is going getting more on politics, and will cover more on working relationships as the year goes by. and if some may constitute this as bitching, i shall repeat what i said here in this blog many years ago.
i am transparent and have nothing to hide. all opinons expressed here are mine, and are true reflections of what i really feel, even if i don't say it verbally. i put my integrity on the line for what i say , and if someday someone wants me to take responsibility for my words , i will not deny it.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:33 AM
