Wednesday, December 21, 2005 :::
i just don't understand.
i really don't know what exactly they are looking for. but what i know is that what i tendered in was pretty good. and i know what it feels like to see my efforts, my time and my fruits go POOF!
it's philo essay again isn't it? the same emotion, just that it's a hundred times more painful. i can't keep count how much time i've spent on it. would you believe me if i said i joined MC solely because i wanted to do arts camp? and would you believe me if i said that i was already taking notes and thinking about arts camp before i was even officially a MC member ? recalling whatever i can about artstasy, all the aspects that makes it work, building up from scratch, way before the first time i ever saw how a proposal was done.
i feel strongly about, anyone, desiring to be a PD, for any project, should be very clear on the vision, aims and objectives, of the project. how else does he expect not to be swayed by other opinions and be distracted by unnecessary stuff? also, on his committee structure and committee roles, how else does he expect to know what he can expect out of his committee unless he's absolutely sure where exactly each responsibility lay? that's why i feel that wholesale cut and paste jobs are clear signs that he or she is not geniunely interested and that it is merely just another generic project.
and so i came up with a whole new committee structure, taking into account all that i've noted during artstasy, past arts club projects, and visualising the scale of the arts camp that i want. i thought clearly what each committee member should be in charge of, to whom each are accountable to, how closely they can work with other members whom are under a different DPD, without having to go through internal red-tape, and making sure if there are enough checks, that no one neglects, and no one does too much.
i thought of what arts camp will entail; how aggressive publicity should be at what time, how marketing should be done, how to align, without compromising the vision, the programmes and activities to ensure maximum marketing opportunities. i thought about how taxing it will be on the publicity executive during the period just before the camp, and how tiring it will be for the logistics team during the camp, and if alternatives can be found to tackle this problem. i thought about how the programmes should progress, how to plan the activites so that the atmosphere and energy levels flow during the whole duration of the camp, and about how to split the gargantuan logistics aspect amongst the different executives and teams, so that their workload is even and gradual as the camp progresses. i even thought of how to arrange the clubroom during the arts camp period so that the place can maximised and be readily accessible and condusive for camp preparations.
with all this in mind, i started on my proposal weeks before the deadline. some of this points i managed to include in my proposal; some i could'nt find a place to fit in. it took me so much time and effort thinking through this stuff, how to put it across in a succint and concise manner, and then re-reading, re-conceptualising and amending throughout the weeks. even until the last minute, i was reading through and making sure that everything i could think of was covered. i wasn't late in submitting the proposal in accordance to the deadline set. and there are proposals that are done in half a day, with half of it lifted from somewhere, which are late, that are accepted.
what's the point of it all anyway? do they even read the proposals? or do they first turn to the page where it states whose proposal it was? if they already pre-decided the outcome, why then give us false hopes and waste our time?
why then?
i just don't understand.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 4:35 AM
Friday, December 09, 2005 :::
i'm already stressed and busy over these proposals and so many other things to do, and there she is, running around in my mind.
i can't think straight.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:33 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005 :::
i disagree with the method of the thrashing out session.
i reiterate my stand - i do not discuss the negative aspects of a person or his/her flaws in front of other people and/or in public, without the person being there.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:49 AM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 :::
it's not easy not to feel disappointed when you recieve back a paper you have spent considerable time and effort on, only to recieve average marks. and when you realise your friend received higher marks, the pain goes deeper, especially when you have read her essay and realise it's not as good as yours.
and i had behaved badly when i learnt that carol had done exceptionally well for her second philo essay. i denied the merits of her essay, shouted ' cannot be! ' across the room, accused her tutor of leniency and mine of stringency, and totally refused to accept that she did better than me.
i was sore about it for days. and it came to me how shallow i had been. that in spite of friendship, i viewed carol as a direct competitor. that i had been selfish enough to subconsciously want her to flop so i can do well. that i thought i should be the only zai person around.
it's not easy, but this past weeks i have been trying unlearn emotions that come so naturally. trying to fight back jealousy and the urge to whine at apparent unfairness. trying to learn to be genuinely proud of her achievements and to commend and encourage her. trying just to be a true friend.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:45 PM
Friday, November 18, 2005 :::
felt really troubled today. i can't explain how or why. it feels like a sense of bereft, like i've lost something that i've loved, forever. it almost feels like my season in the lives of some is over.
and even if it is so, that people do indeed come and go, i want to leave knowing i've done something in their lives. i don't want to be the one just to hehehaha around people and not input anything in their lives. true caring, for someone that means something to me, is more than just laughing at each others' jokes or silly antics. i want to be the one to press into into important yet overlooked areas in their lives, to be the one to tenderly tell them what things they are doing wrong that they don't see, and to be the one to encourage them along and to see them grow.
i don't believe in meaningless companionship, in intimacy without depth of understanding. that's probably why i'm always careful with what i say and what i do, because i know what i say and do directly affects those around me. i make conscious effort never to say anything negative in public or gossip. every comment will be made face to face, or at least, in open view to everyone. in the end, i do realise, i'm accountable for every idle word i speak. it all comes back. so i choose to speak life, even in bleak times, that everyone may be inspirited.
so now, when i know they have to move on and that i'm staying behind, i hope that i have had at least some input in their lives, that they were at some point encouraged and spurred on by me. and this, as i wave goodbye, would be a consolation for me.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:09 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005 :::
lesson learnt : always look behind while reversing the car
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:10 AM
Monday, November 14, 2005 :::
sometimes when i try to find something witty to say, i inevitably will say something that offends people. and when i realise it, it's usually too late to say sorry.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:58 PM
Saturday, November 12, 2005 :::
lesson learnt: never leave home without keys, no matter how sure someone will be at home.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:00 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005 :::
i felt really mad today. i abhor this jackson-bashing nonsense. i don't like people to talk bad behind other people's back, especially when we are a committee.
what really pushed me over the edge today was when they gathered in the com room and started looking at the arts club website. and they began to compare other fac clubs' website with ours, all the while making sarcastic remarks like, " wah! biz ad club site got pictures leh! " and " whoa jackson said science club site is nothing leh! ".
the arts club website may be less than what he promised, but a good website cannot be done in a mere couple of months, moreover that he has 2 major portfolios. the other fac clubs had already well-maintained websites when they took over, and probably only had to do some minor updates. yet from a totally nonexistent website to something now, it is already a good achivement, and no one really seriously gave jackson any credit for securing a sponsor that made the website free.
jackson did say our site will be better than science's, but it is now too early to hold him to that word. creating a website from scratch is totally unprecedented, unlike conventional projects like arts open where there are still seniors to ask assistance of. yet so, current projects are not being held on any larger scale nor are new and bolder projects being attempted.
it seems easy to point the finger at jackson and question why he didn't try harder, and only 1 sponsor came in for arts open. the truth is he got 60 cartons of drinks, most of which they are drinking everyday, when there was only 6 cartons sponsored last year. why was the question instead not " the sponsorship increased, why had the scale of arts open remained unchanged? " it is unfair to expect someone to work harder and achieve more than last year's, when they are not doing the same.
jackson may have given big boastings to sell arts club projects as a whole to sponsors and to match the quality of an established fac club's website, and so more may have expected out of him because of his boasts. but to pick on him purely based on this is tantamount to a personal attack, and no longer because of work, because to say the least, he has not failed in any of his portfolios.
what really pissed me off today was the whole group of them gathered to talk behind his back. if there was anything that they told me before, it was that they rather have someone talk it straight to their faces if that someone was unhappy about something. this is hypocrisy and an uncalled for group-attack.
i don't know why, but i'm particular about the working dynamics of a team. i really do not wish us to become like the 25th. it is said there's politics whereever you go, but i do believe it is possible for all of us to be happy and healthy together.
sometimes if i don't show it or say it, it doesn't mean that it's not there or i didn't see it. although i may not say alot at times, i put my integrity on every word that i say or write.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:54 AM
Sunday, November 06, 2005 :::
i feel very guilty. i haven't been spending time with my parents of late. too many nights at the club room, even if there was nothing to do. that's why i had almost cried when i saw that they had spent time and effort making a " happy birthday guanjie " decoration piece out of coloured paper and glitter.
it stands proud and pretty in the living room and my heart can't help but go soft whenever i see it. it's not something extravagant, but it's the thought and the effort to make something so unpractical that touches me. my dad and mum are both working, and i really didnt expect them to stay up late after a day of work and chore to cut paper, decorate and paste them up while i was asleep.
itis by far the most unhappening birthday i had, but yet this is the most memorable, because my parents did this decoration for me. and now, whenever i see it, i know they love me. i am so blessed =).
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:32 AM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005 :::
i realise my blog is going getting more on politics, and will cover more on working relationships as the year goes by. and if some may constitute this as bitching, i shall repeat what i said here in this blog many years ago.
i am transparent and have nothing to hide. all opinons expressed here are mine, and are true reflections of what i really feel, even if i don't say it verbally. i put my integrity on the line for what i say , and if someday someone wants me to take responsibility for my words , i will not deny it.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:33 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005 :::
me and eileen just have different working styles, and i'm still trying to figure all this and try to make publications work out right. it will be futile to try to read her mind and explain things in her perspective since i'm not her, so i'll just say what this entire first issue means to me.
eileen has this ability to make people do things for her; her tone when she asks and those pleading eyes. in the first publications meeting when she asks the writers to interview people and write articles for her, they were like hesistating " err..yea..ok..", and she goes, " okie! deadline is this fri! ". suddenly the writer is left all on her/his own, with a interview to do, with totally no contacts nor an outline of what is required.
i have to say all my writers are extremely dedicated and hardworking. they went to find contacts even though they had no idea who the interviewee was, met up, conducted the interview and wrote the article. and most of the articles are very detailed, with complete biographies and such. but what we want in the end is just a tiny portion of it, the vibrancy part, and the rest is heavily edited and cut. i know i'm going to get screwed real bad when the magazine gets printed and distributed. the writers are going to feel cheated when they find out all is needed is so little when they went totally out of the way to get the articles done in such detail. it is already frustrating enough to get someone to do work for us when we can't give anything in return, and after this, i seriously wonder who will be left.
i feel that eileen is great when it comes to getting people to do work, but she has no clue what kind of work to let them do, nor does she tells them exactly what she wants. all that everyone knows is that theme for this issue is "vibrancy of arts" and there are going to be six interviews with undergraduates, lecturers and alumuni. the work out is arrowed out without even a cohesive plan or a flow. and what we get back now are six interviews with different focusses and agendas.
i'm a nitpicker. i feel everything should be planned to the finest detail before execution. and that the writers should know exactly what is expected of them before even agreeing to write. the way she does things completely throws me off. i understand it is not wrong; it is just different. true enough, things get done, but just not the things that we want.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:12 AM
Monday, April 11, 2005 :::
making a statement requires real thought, full and matured debates within the mind, and the unyielding commitment to wholly believe and embrace that statement which must be concisely and coherently made.
carefully observing and deducing is hard comtemplation, forming a line to emblematize personal conviction is bold assertion, and being faithful inspite of resulting derision and odium is stubborn courage. a statement is not taking a walk in the park and making a mark, it demands real toil. it is not about being in the comfortable nor flaunting the outrageous, and it is not even about being true to yourself. it is about being staunch to the otherwise fleetingly fickle emotions backed up by infactual and heart-biased perception.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:02 AM
Sunday, January 02, 2005 :::
it's been too long, a memory so distant, since i last wrote a blog. they say out of sight, out of mind, but i guess it's in the army, no more mind. but that's out of point.
the best thing that happened in 2004, ( though it happened way back in time but the realisation only lately hit me ), is my cell group N182! you can't even start to imagine the kind of love we have for each other and the kind of teamwork we can have. i've been to many other cellgroups for make-up cellgroup meetings, but one thing that stands out distinct in N182 is that there aren't any freeloaders. no one takes the presence of God lightly. no one passes by every week without contributing somehow for the benefit of all. sure some are entrusted with more responsibilty and accountability, but ultimately it's the little roles everyone plays that causes growth and maturity.
brand new year, brand new thoughts. but before i'll like to go any further, i feel compelled to write a little something to all of you who saw a little something in me and said a little something to me.
Melvin : your parents must have called you si ah boy ah! too much when you were young. thats why you turned out so C. luckily, you took it upon yourself to train your I up and guess what? it not only changed your life, it changed all of ours too, when you shared so much things with us. much we never knew, some we never observed, none we ever forgot. you are the true inspiration story, from someone more apt to impale than to impact, to someone now who knows exactly what to say and do to build others up. guess you never saw it coming too, but God certainly did, and i sense you got to start building up those muscles, He's bringing you for a tough, exciting run with Him!
Gershon : my bible study lesson today touched on gifts and its various manifestations. and when i saw exhortation, i immediately thought of you. classic overachiever, your cupboard at home is practically bursting out with trophies. but there's this something about you that makes you so endearing. i can't really put it to words, but when you put aside all your achievements to share humbly with someone to be empowered to live a victorious life, it suddenly becomes a powerful testimony, without being pretentious or pompous. and this little twist makes all glory point towards God, who now exalts you when you humbled yourself. how exciting it is to see God move in accordance to His Word!
Yingying : what can i say? you are already there before i joined church. throughout the years, i've seen a side of you i never knew you could be if from my perspective in school. and i've seen you mature all these while, taking on more responsibilty when there was a need. meanwhile.. YAY! you lost those glasses! BOO! you still got those black T-shirts! haha! anyway just want to let you know, before the more I people came, the cell group would have be dead if not for your ever enthusiasm. but you have moved on from that categorisation. you were in any way just an ordinary girl from what i have seen in school then, but now you have shown how the life of this ordinary girl can be transformed by God to do greater works. this life in Christ, i daresay, is of more importance than being the life of any cellgroup.
Huimin : i remember when i first came to church, you were the like the only person who kept talking to me though i wasn't much inclined to say anything much. you've got this ability to talk to complete strangers which i find amazing cause i figured out it's something i'll never be able to do. but over the years i realised, more than just talking, you get things done. little wonder for your ministry promotion. praise God! shows too in everything you do. previously as birthday co-ordinator, every birthday celebration was properly and timely planned ( except yours, oops! ). and your tenacity during your competition period really encouraged me a lot. i had hardly any excuses to give looking at the work you are putting in and yourthe late nights for weeks. i feel that there is much more you can do with your abilities and i hope you will rise up to the occasion!
Rongzhang : i'm really glad you are proceeding so far and so smoothly in your ministry in such short time. imagine leading the congregation for praise and worship! wow! something i realised about you. you never get flustered. no matter what happens you always seem to have a plan for it. shows a lot in your relationship with angela. you are a good communicator too. remember that time when we were aruging over the frisbee game rules over at sentosa, you simply just came over and explained it in just two sentences. i was so impressed. and i begin to take notice that whenever you speak, it is after careful delibration and thinking, to edify others. take note of these strengths, use them to the fullest!
Liling : the happiest girl i have ever seen. i still remember the first few months when you came, you were brimming with little testimonies to share. you probably didn't know, but these little testimonies of simple faith really lifted me up at a time i was struggling and asking if i have done enough for God and if God have done enough for me. since then, my, how you have grown and matured! and for taking such a big ownership in the cellgroup, making cards and gifts and talking to everyone, you helped the cellgroup tide over times when everyone was busy with schoolwork and exams.
Eujean : if i needed any reference on being a gentleman, all i have to do is to observe you. your magnanimousness and generousity is truly emulate-able, traits i feel a man must have, and it's little wonder siater yah lan thinks so highly of you. did you know? you say the most beautiful prayers i've ever heard. these prayers are not reheasred, not pompous or flashy, but it comes from deep within, a unpretentiousness that makes it all the more sincere. you are truly S. you relate to people far more deeply than anyone i know of. perhaps not apparently through words, but certainly the souls connect.
Jean : you are this carefree spirit, in your little world. but after some time, i realised, u think a lot too. too much in fact. you know thinkers are often cheerless and gloomy, over analytical, always trying to find a panacea when there's none. not that this is all bad, i find it cool to know someone whom i can talk to about deeper stuff, but you got to find a balance to this, something that will make you look forward to waking every morning, something that will bring a smile to your face when you think of it. oh, and if you want it bad enough, you will be a good guitarist soon enough.
Jacq : you have been there in the same cellgroup with me ever since N182 revamped nearly two years ago. gosh, it's been so long i can barely remeber the hairstyle i first saw you in. haha! but see how much you have matured! hardly the little girl i once knew you to be. grown quite strong spiritually too. remember once melvin asked for someone to pray for the cellgroup's praise and worship, you came in immediately and prayed up a storm. and guess what? i sense our praise and worship did get better. sort of like our unity and love began to show. still got a long way ahead of you. hope you will never lose this love and continue on strong.
Eliora : God is my light! wow! such a powerful name! and you are the light that shines brightly in the midst of darkness! the cellgroup always seems to be missing something when you are not around. haha! even sister yah lan said the cellgroup felt empty because she couldn't hear your voice. your personality really draws people to yourself, but i'm sure you already know that by now. hehe, so how about combining it with this? ' when the name of Jesus is lifted high, He draws all men to Himself ', so wow! you draw people to yourself and direct them all to Jesus!
Shengda : you just told me joshua told you you have a lot of visions. i find it very true. and you always share them with us, always saying things so that we can know more about what is happening and that we can go out and edify others too. back to the bible study lesson yesterday, you are more like a prophet and a teacher. you may not realise it, but whenever you share something with someone, it usually speaks directly into their lives. the Holy Spirit moves in you. and you can explain things well, not so in the worldly way though, but somehow what you are trying to get across the other party can grasp in the Spirit. now that's real powerful.
Eva : hehe! i knew you before you came over to N182! i went to your previous cell group for makeup before! but didn't know before you are this power admin person, forever doing admin stuff while we are all eating. also didn't know you could sing so well. hmmm, well seems like an understatement, but you bring the cell group's praise and worship to a new level, esp when you sing in the Spirit. i'm like awww, when can i sing like that..
PC : your great leap of faith really took us by surprise, but we are all happy for you. more than that, your perseversance really encouraged all of us. coming for service when anyone can see you are quite sick, and what more, coming for 2 consecutive services, i guess nothing is going to stop you from reaching the prize. haha! noticed too that you have grown more outgoing and talkative in the past few months. was it delibrate? anyway don't stop. it brings balance to you. can you imagine a non-talking PC?
Liru : you are quite quiet, i hardly hear of you, but i don't need ears to see you treat relationships seriously. very S i should say. quite apparent in the way you talk and treat others, and it's always a joy to talk to you and see your smile =) somehow i feel there more to you that you are not showing. i always belived in people being balanced, so i think there a noisier side to you we havent seen, a wilder side no one yet knows.
all of you mean something special in me. all that you have said. all the things you did you thought no one noticed. that's a lot of words, but..i love you guys!
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 5:08 AM
