Thursday, January 22, 2004 :::
when someone asks whether you are a leader or a follower in the pack, most of us will probably punch the air and yell, " leader ! ". but i gave it some thought, and decided i was actually neither.
i'm not the eloquent and articulate type, able to present my case to someone else convincingly. i find i talk too fast, squeezing three words in the time allocated for two, perhaps, i guess, i'm too insecure feeling that i can't hold the attention of the opposite party if i pronounced every word like it should. and i do not command the prescence some do, sending out the i'm-in-control vibe throughout the group. i'm just more than happy to let someone else take the lead if it pleases them.
similarly, i find i cannot be accurately classified as a follower because i simply am not part of the group. while tagging along the group, if no one talks to me or keeps me entertained, i'll be thinking of something else, or planning my next steps. usually i'm not bothered what the group does, because i don't participate much. i just tag along to make up the numbers.
after much cognition, i came to the conclusion and the personal revelation that i'm actually the last man of the group. i see myself as the protector of the group. i regard myself with the onus of ensuring everyone is safe. i walk at the very back, to make sure no one gets left behind or ignored. i don't let myself get drunk because i have to maintain some sanity around so things will not get out of control. man, if i ever get my driver's license, i can foresee myself being forever the designated driver.
no one ever notices i'm around, but i have to dart my eyes around to see if everyone is around, while maintaining the non-chalent or simply blur look walking at the back. the most draining part is the fact that i don't really get to maximise the enjoyment of the company of the group. but don't ask me to join with the chatter of the main crowd. it's just not me. i wouldn't have anything to say. this is probably just the way i am.
to put it in the sense of a journey, others can afford to fall back or collapse, because if the front does not realise, i will come by from the back. but i can't afford to fall myself. i have to be stronger than others. it's not easy being me.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:41 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2004 :::
i feel like such an idiot. my dad asked me last sunday if i'm coming back this tuesday night for dinner ( which was last night ) and i didn't give it much thought, and said, " no, i think i'll stay in camp since i'll be booking out on wed ".
it struck me that it was acutally his birthday yesterday, and it completely slipped my mind until i saw the cake in the fridge just now. he was hinting that i come back for dinner on his birthday and i dimissed it just like that. i'm feeling very very guilty now, thinking how my dad must have felt. argh.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 12:45 PM
