Tuesday, February 18, 2003 :::
 


i feel the end is near.


i feel the capacity of my lungs is getting increasingly smaller. i'm afraid. i will not hide it. i know this will be the first time i will be without the sancturary of the company of my family members and trusted friends. i know this will probably be the most fulfulling moment in my life to pass, but i cannot suppress the oncoming onslaught of fear and uncertainty. i'm not able to identify excatly what that is bothering me, what is causing me such unease and what is preventing me from embracing this new chapter in my life.


people i know have asked me how i feel about enlisting these few days. i've answered that i'm cool about it and that i'll be fine. in a way, that is true. there's a little voice in my heart cheering me on, excited about what will happen. in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm not intimidated by the training that will commence soon, nor about that i'll be meeting people from all backgrounds. but i'm really unwilling to leave behind unfinished work, unfulfilled dreams and un-commsumated relationships. i feel incomplete leaving just like that. i've failed to complete the work i've started on and failed to keep relationships that i've built strong. i can't start something new when the old is not restored to its glory. i'm afraid i will lose touch with all that is outside when i'm inside, and be left holding on the remains of what used to be.


nonetheless, i pray all the best in my stay and that i will have the courage, the strength, the faith to hold on. i will like to thank all those who had given me much inspiration and courage and all those who stood close to me, shared with me and most importantly, prayed for me. thank you. i'll be fine in there. my God is with me.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:26 AM