Thursday, January 23, 2003 :::
time is life. or is it? it looks to be. after all, everything whizzes by today. everyone rushes to somewhere, rushes through their meals and rushes through their relationships. it seems that time, or life, can scrimped and saved a little here, a little there. but it isn't really so.
let's say you are walking briskly along a path. there's a couple pushing a pram, moving rather slowly in front of you. there is only a short distance towards a X-junction where the path gets bigger and you can go around them there. but in your hurry, you say " excuse me ", and squeeze your way in front. you saved ten seconds. or did you? but you did not save ten seconds of life. it is gone. the ten seconds of time you saved will probably be wasted waiting for the bus or train. the ten seconds of life could be used, but you will rather save the ten seconds of time. what could have been ten seconds of slowing down your footsteps, observing the surrondings, the people, their emotions, or perhaps just admiring the baby in the pram. ten seconds of appreciating life. but you decide ten seconds of time is more important than ten seconds of life, or that maybe you haven't learnt to stop and take a look around, so you inconvenice the couple with their baby. all for ten seconds of useless time.
let's say you are going out to have fun with your friends. when you are about to leave the house, your brother asks you to teach him something. you estimate it will take around five minutes. you decide to help him instead of of telling him to work it out himself. so you lost five minutes. or did you? the five minutes probably would have been spent in the usual chatter with your friends. but you did not lose five minutes of life. you showed your brother that you really care and are willing to help. you gained your brother's trust and respect. the small five minutes of your time revealed how much you value your relationships.
time can be saved, but life can never be. no one gets extra life by doing things faster or being more effecient. every moment is life and when things are done so fast, it loses its fun and its meaning. and the time saved should not be selfishly hoarded and kept. use the time to help someone or wallow in the richness of life. appreciate life, think about it and see if you can make it better for yourself or some one else. don't ever be caught holding time in your hands, while life is being left behind.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:10 AM
Friday, January 17, 2003 :::
i came across the term " hippie " every now and then, but was never quite sure what it really meant. so i read about it and found that what the hippies believed in actually reflects some of my thoughts. amazingly, their concerns thirty years ago are similar to mine today.
the hippie movement started in the san francisco bay area in 1964 and spread across the united states to europe and australia. the largest musical festival of the hippie movement was woodstock '69, which half a million hippies turned up for a three day concert. but its heydays of the '60s and '70s are long gone. the annual rainbow family of light gathering of the tribes draws some 20,000 people for a weeklong backwoods celebration of '60s values.
music was the connection among hippies. they listened mostly to jazz, folk and mainstream rock like the beatles, the rolling stones and jimi hendrix. hence, they were also termed " the beat movement ".although only a fraction of the original hippies are still hippies, their ideals still hold true to this day, and because of this, most people are generally sympathetic to them and do not see them as the freaks they used to see them as.
the hippies are people who reject the teaching of the elders and break through the norm and the conventional to live a life that mocks capitalism and consumerism. they wore colourful handmade shirts, put flowers in their long hair, went around shoeless, and sported the " V " peace sign everywhere they went. they lived in seperate communities and searched for different social systems and living concepts. similar to zen of buddhism and acheiving nirvana, their method was an expansion of individual conscience by means of unrestricted alcohol and drug taking. truly, they freaked out those who abided by tradition and convention by practising free love, listening to rock n roll, using drugs freely and working only when it was absolutely necessary.
however, the most admirable thing about the hippies, to me, is not how different they looked, or that they were hardcore no-conformists. it is the inherent values that they hold that links me and them, through the time and space barrier. they chose to be free, in a land that was supposed to be free. they wanted personal freedom, to look they way they want. but it's not really about what they did. it must have been refreshing to have really long hair parted in the centre, and with a flower in those hair, to wear bright clothing, and walk around bare-footed, all without a care in the world. but it's the rationale behind all these, the desire for freedom, that is priceless, that i yearn. i can do anything to myself, not because i want to be different, but because i want the freedom to be different.
the hippies had the foresight to herald the impact of burgeoning trade and advancing techonology of the '60s and did not want to become slaves to capitalism. they practice anti-consumerism, and made their clothing themselves from old cloths. they made bead necklaces and exchanged it with other hippies, much like the friendship bracelets of today. they pointed out that it is materialism that causes inequality of wealth amongest people and it is this inequality that ultimately causes disputes and wars.
they are highly anti-war and anti-violence. in fact, the hippie movement was intended to protest against america's involvement in the vietnam war and wanted to bring all the soldiers home safely. they saw that it was not worth sending armies to fight and die for such a cause, and especially when it was not their war. it was between north and south vietnam, not america. although the cirucmstances are different today, i believe war cannot be the answer. there is no instance in history in which a bloodbath did solve any problem satisfactory to both sides.
the hippies believe in peace and love. the slogan for woodstock '69 was " three days of peace and love " and indeed, for three days, a mass gathering of half a million people occured without an instance of violence. the flower on thier heads symbolises peace and they believe in the flower power when it comes to settling any disputes. it included opening the other party to a new dimension and letting them see the problem from another way. mostly, they regard hostiliy and violence completely differently. they are not the same to them. it is possible to be hostile without being violent. this is especially true to me. i always thought that although relations might get sour among some people, but no one should ever seek to harm the other party.
i think the hippies do have some very noble ideals and although their numbers are dwindling, i believe those that remain are the true hippies, true to their non-conforming attitudes, true to their values, not there just for the drugs.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:19 AM
Monday, January 13, 2003 :::
im finally back. despite spending 2 nights there, i find that i have surprisingly little to write about it. it wasn't as fun as i hoped it might be. maybe i should have seen it coming, after all the unhappiness caused. no one mentioned anything about it there, everyone pretended to be nice and friendly. yeah. pretence. that's the word. the whole thing was just a pretence. no one was really happy. everyone acted well, and alcohol helped too. but there's no denial there's still something in between us.
when lynne shyly said she didn't know how to cycle, he asked her to repeat it. and when she did, he did this evil laugh and rolled all over the bed laughing. everyone was amused, and started giggling too, lynne included. only she stood in between him and lynne and sternly told him that lynne was her friend and not to bully her. well, come on, it's no secret she and lynne don't really see eye to eye with each other. who was she trying to influence into thinking she's a great friend, especially when it was so clear it was just a joke? she got serious when it was supposed to be fun and i bet she thought it was a good chance to prove she wasn't as bad as we made her out to be. what a pretence. ( i'm surprisingly unwilling to forgive eh? )
and of course, i backstabbed everyone again. i woke up pretty early on the second day and returned the bike i rented overnight on time to the store. when i came back, they were still sound asleep, and i decided against awaking them from their sweet slumber. i watched cartoons until they woke up two hours later and scrambled onto their bikes to return them. and of course, i feigned innocence and ignorance and deflected their questions by offering to help return one of the bikes. was that supposed to be revenge? i don't know. but i did make them pay though. they didn't even suspect a thing. haha. what a show i put up.
now i feel disgusted. what have i done? i feel i'm returning to the old me, which i swore to leave behind forever. this whole episode has brought out the worst in me and betrayed whatever i thought i believed in. is this who i really am, or is it them who forced this out of me? i don't really know. if i wanted to defend myself, i could say i haven't technically sinned. or even lied for that matter. i merely allowed them to continue sleeping instead of waking them up. but i know something is wrong. very wrong in fact. i haven't felt this bad about myself for some time.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:06 PM
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 :::
i feel like this vengeful monster who only has hatred and contempt. i hate this. i want to be happy and cheerful too, and to go to the chalet and enjoy. but i just can't take it lying down.
freak, i sent my reply out.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:48 PM
i'm getting really sick about the whole thing. i just wrote a scathing reply, but i'm not sure if i really want to send it out. i don't want to ruin everything, now that it's only a few days away. but if i don't send it out, i can't get back at them for saying such nasty words. maybe i shouldn't stoop to their level, they disgust me anyway.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:07 PM
Tuesday, January 07, 2003 :::
 Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.
I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:24 PM
Monday, January 06, 2003 :::
Spiritual Journal
Hi Sharon,
i think God has really done a lot in me this past week. i actually flipped through the recruit page of the classified section of the straits times, and dialed a number for a job application. i wouldn't have the courage before. i was afraid, scared of the going somewhere i've never gone before and terrified of outright rejection. but i prayed, and God gave me the strength and tranquility to take this step forward.
so i went for the application for this job of helping around in minimarts during the chinese new year season. but it required me to work every single day, from morning opening of the minimart to the closing late at night. i declined this job, although i really wanted something to do, but i had to consider all my other commitments. the pay isn't that great either. actually the pay is not a major consideration, i don't need that much money. but i would like some work that is productive and which will leave me some time for my other activities. i wouldn't even mind working for nothing. and oh, helping out at children's church last thursday night was fun. ok, maybe not really fun. but even though it was just carrying stuff around and arranging chairs, i felt this was rewarding. perhaps not physically or materially, but somehow i felt really good about myself the whole night.
alright, i'm mad, and really disappointed in one of my friends. i don't know what happened, but lately, she has turned into this domineering creature. maybe her renewed relationship with her guy has given her so much confidence that it oozes out in the form of arrogant statements. i don't know, but what she wrote, although most ain't directed at me, irks me so much that i feel like swearing at her. maybe no one really notices her choice of words, or maybe i'm overreacting, but this is the feeling she gives me when i read her emails. she said her dream is to be a successful businesswoman, but from what i see, unless she changes, she has got a long long way to go. for one, i wouldn't want to deal with someone who thinks he's so high and mighty. God bless her.
and of course, i seem like a sneaky backstabber talking bad behind someone's back, but i don't really care much now. i'm not asking anyone to buy into my story, or to deliberately add meanings to her words. i put my integrity on the line for what i say , and if someday someone wants me to take responsibility for my words , i will not deny it.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 4:45 PM
i saw her rebuking her boyfriend for using swear words. but she's none better herself. the email she posts to the class ring shows her domineering nature and it stinks. it's like she's the one in charge and giving orders around. " u pple just get $15 ready", " we'll decide how to split the cost". i'll rather she use swear words than these statements.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:29 AM
Saturday, January 04, 2003 :::
have you noticed that when you're standing in the train, and the train has constant jerks, you always have a foot pivoted on the ground, and the other foot moves around to balance yourself ? you don't really change the pivotal foot until the train completely throws you off balance. this is the time when you panic and stuggle to learn to use either foot as pivot, as circumstances dictates.
this is quite like life. everyone has a pivot somewhere, a place where all their hopes and dreams are anchored. it may be family, career, or simply just clinging to nostalgia. if all your life experiences is small humps and bumps, chances are you will continue to use what you have chosen as the centre of your life. it is only when life throws something totally unexpected at you, at such a short notice, that you realise you've got to move or fall.
having a pivot is in life is important. the only ones who doesn't have any pivot are those who have fallen. however, life is unpredictable, and change is the only constant in life. one cannot be too stubborn or too unwilling to lift that pivotal foot and plant it somewhere where it will keep him in balance.
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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:06 AM
