Tuesday, December 30, 2003 :::
 


Suppose you're on a game show, and you're given the choice of three doors. Behind one door is a car, behind the others, goats. You pick a door, say number 1, and the host, who knows what's behind the doors, opens another door, say number 3, which has a goat. He says to you, " Do you want to pick door number 2? " Is it to your advantage to switch your choice of doors?





Yes, you should switch. The first door has a 1/3 chance of winning, but the second door has a 2/3 chance.



The main question here is whether you should switch, not so much the odds of the prize in the remaining two options. Since the host can ( and will ) open a loser regardless what you have chosen, the chances of the door you have first chosen is still 1/3, since nothing was learned to allow the revising of the chances.


Let's name the doors A, B and C. Suppose the car is always in B.



You chose Door A. The host reveals a goat in Door C. If you switched, you won.


You chose Door B. The host opens either Door A or C, which will reveal a goat. If you switched, you lost.


You chose Door C. The host reveals a goat in Door A. If you switched, you won.


Therefore, the chances of winning if you switched is 2/3. This is the Monty Hall Dilemma.


Think you got it?


Three prisoners on death row are told that one of them has been chosen at random for execution the following morning, but the other two are to be freed. One privately begs the warden to at least tell him the name of one other prisoner who will be freed, and the warden relents. " Susie will go free, " he says. Suddenly horrified, the first prisoner says that because he is now one of the remaining two prisoners at risk, his chances of execution have risen from 1/3 to 1/2!


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:28 PM

Saturday, December 27, 2003 :::
 


i'm terribly bored. i thought maybe i should just leave the com and read the papers for a good couple of hours or so, but i realised i have already read them. hmph.


gosh. i've started watching simpsons again. and the opening still tickles my fancy.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:00 PM

 


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the great Greek philanderer isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence.

Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.

As our Great Leader would say, Read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is certain of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.



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::: posted by Richard Wan at 4:18 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 :::
 


He Must Be From Another World



Draped in a plain oversized T-shirt, and in shorts that failed to conceal his gangly frame, the old man limped unsteadily across the square. He mingled amidst the throng, yet was not part of it. He was there, yet his prescence was not felt. He must be from another world.


He halted at the lamppost. No one noticed. Laying his only possession beside him as he lowered himself precariously, his bones cracked from the exertion, and a little grunt of agony escaped. It was lost in the cacophonies. Pushing his little cup in front of him, he looked pleadingly into the eyes of those who might look at him in the eye. He never saw a pair of eyes at him. He was invisible. He must be from another world.


The young man strolled out onto the square, adequate, spry at his own abundance. Nothing amiss, he thought, just the usual hustle and bustle of life and its participants. He halted, and smelled the air. It was crisp and cool in the bask of the setting sun. It occurred to him that he never had a view of the world from this angle, this perspective before. He slowed his breathing and studied the area.


He never noticed before that the tiles on the squaaure were of intricately ornated design. He never noted how beautiful the shadows could be against the contrast of the stone and glass in the backdrop. But something caught his eye, something jutting, something that did not belong to this world.


He stood there watching silently as he glanced about, sometimes holding his cup up, rattling it while peering inside. He saw the multitude pass and come by, his hope in his eyes undulating while every wave. He stood a long time. He sat a long time.


He came in measured steps towards him, his hand reaching for something in his back pocket. He bent and placed it slowly in his cup, and cupped his hands over his shaking hands. He could only manage a weak smile in untold gratitude, and to him, it was enough.


As he left, a wave of realisation and revelation flowed through him. He could feel that he was no longer the same. He lifted up both his hands and inspected them. He could feel he was in control of the conscious part of him. Something that told him that he was just an entity in a dimension that was an illusion. Something that told him he was real in an unreal world. Something that told him that he and him, were from another world.



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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:31 AM

Saturday, October 25, 2003 :::
 


Knowledge Is Power



Stuart the Chicken, smug and with his little chicken head held high, strutted along the courtyard, his behind swaying proudly from side to side. No one seemed to notice him though, all resting away from the heat of the midday sun.


Ignorant fools, thought Stuart to himself, all only too concerned with the present pleasure. He shook his head slightly at what he saw and felt a tinge of pity for them.


Stuart had always prided himself on being discerning, willing to sacrifice a little effort and time to plan and prepare for what is to come. He always wondered how the others could sleep when momentous events are underway, especially now when the chicken farm is experiencing major changes. Realization struck him, and Stuart felt suddenly very important, now that he was the only one who knew about it. Damn, he thought as he admired his own shadow, I should be the leader of the chickens.



Shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun with his wing, Brian stepped out of the penthouse, having yet again failed to negotiate with his coop-mate. He was frustrated that he was sharing a coop with a chicken much larger than he was, and he took up so much space Brian could hardly open up his wings to stretch himself. But it was worse when Brian went to bed early, awaking only to discover that the other chicken had made himself very comfortable in the coop and he could not move or even manoeuvre at all, unless he left first. Brian had on many occasions tried to reason with him, but with his meagre size, it was more often a one-sided affair. This irked him off.


After he was adjusted to the sudden light, Brian removed his wing from his eyes, and when he looked up, he saw Stuart walking by, deep in thought. Stuart always came up with good ideas, he considered, maybe he could provide some help. Thus, he half-flapped, half-ran his way excitedly over to Stuart, his body blobbing up and down with the exertion of the run, his wings flapping wildly to maintain his balance, making such a big ruckus he was certain Stuart wouldn't miss him. He was anxious to get Stuart's help this time. He always seemed so busy.

" Hey Stuart dude, my coop-mate is giving me problems yet again. Do you think you can do anything to help me? "

Stuart stopped abruptly in mid-step, startling Brian. He turned to face Brian, a scowl already on his face.

" Is this all you ever think about? You? Yourself? Your own comfort? " "No, no", Stuart murmured to himself as he shook his head, " I haven't got time for matters as frivolous as this. I need to tend to something more important. Something you needn't know. Something that will affect the whole farm. "


With that, Stuart gave his head a sharp twist back, his vision forward and aloft, and continued walking in the bask of importance.


Brian, his curiosity obviously aroused, his problem almost quite forgotten, started to cluck incoherently as he tried to match the pace of Stuart. Pleased with his new-found following but not showing it, Stuart walked a few more steps, and halted. Brian followed suit. Stuart studied Brian for a moment, assessing him from his chicken head to his chicken claws, and being satisfied with what he saw, he finally dropped his arrogant countenance and smiled.

He leaned in close to Brian, whose excitement was barely unnoticable, before saying, " If I told you a big secret, can I trust you to keep it a secret? "

Brian nodded eagerly. Stuart leaned in even closer, while his eyes darted to the sides to check if anyone was eavesdropping. When he was sure that they were indeed alone, he spoke in a low tone into Brian's ear.

" Seems like the old man, Joe, is in some kind of trouble himself. " Stuart paused, letting the tension build up. " Bill from next door came with a lot of papers, saying that this land, " Stuart stomped his feet to accentuate his point, " belongs to him. " He continued, with a twinkle in his eyes, " looks like Joe can't hold on to this farm any longer. "

" Oh no! This is bad, so awful! What are we going to do? " Brian wailed loudly, obviously distressed.

Unexpectedly, Stuart's wing came up high into the air, and with a forceful thump, whacked down on Brian's head. " You idiot! Is there any wonder why they always call you Brainless Brian? This is good! Very good in fact, don't you see? "

" Imagine, we are the only ones who know about this, such epochal events. " Stuart swept a wing over the penthouse. " Look at them, sleeping their lives away. "

He looked at Brian angrily, " now tell me, do you want to be like them, never seeking to increase on what they have, choosing instead to be forever under the servitude of others? "

Brian shook his head sheepishly, rubbing on where it hurt. Stuart cast a condescending look, and sighed, " I should never had told you this, you just don't appreciate the power that comes with it. "

Keen not to look clueless, Brian retorted, " sure I do. That was a pretty piece of information. I just meant how we are going to make use of it. "

" Like I said, knowledge is power. We are empowered, and because of this, we have the ability and the liberality to choose our reactions to it and make preparations. "


Brian listened intently. He always admired Stuart. Stuart was only slightly older than he was, but he seemed to know so much. What he said made so much sense. Why didn't he think of it earlier? He was thankful Stuart was there to guide him, to lead him along, otherwise he will never know what he will be missing out on. A thought struck him.

" What about the others? Should we tell them too? "

He was sorry the moment he asked. Stuart spread his wing slightly apart to make himself more imposing and threatening, and stood square facing Brian.

" I thought we just made an agreement to keep mum about it. " He thrust his wing until it was just a whisker away from Brian's face. " If I ever find out you leaked this information to those fools, rest assured that you will be the last to know about everything from now. Understand? "

" Yes! Understood. " Relieved that Stuart gave him a way to wiggle out of the embarrassment of his inept question and did not henceforth shut him off, Brian heaved a out sigh. He definitely did not want to be a fool.


Realising the other chickens were slowly awaking for their meals, Stuart quickly put his countenance of non-chalance back on, lifted his head up and perked up his behind. Brian, seizing his opportunity, imitated Stuart's posture, strutting down the courtyard alongside him.

Brian went dizzy with his new-found importance. He was sure the other chickens noticed that too, noticed that he was different from the chicken he was before, noticed that he knew something they didn't. He couldn't fathom how, but he felt very distinguished, a chicken of the world, higher than the rest. " Knowledge is power " , he thought to himself, that must be it.

When they came around a bend, and were out of sight, they exhaled deeply, their puffed-up physique contracting. Brian squealed in deliriousness, " You are right Stuart! I could feel it in me! Knowledge is indeed power! "

Stuart let out a little laugh, " Of course. "

" Look, I got to go now. " He gave Brian a private, knowing smile. " To search for more knowledge. "

As he watched Stuart take his leave, Brian blurted out, worried, " what are we supposed to do now, now that we know that Joe, and most probably this farm too, are in peril? "

Brian looked on hopefully, at the back of Stuart as he walked away, his claws kicking up a trail of loose dust in his wake. He thought he heard a faint reply.

" Nothing. "


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:49 PM

Saturday, August 30, 2003 :::
 


so much for the emphasis on platoon integrity, unity or whatever fancy names higher HQ has for it. it probably only applies to being punished as a whole for the mistakes of individuals, not for genuine help offered to a mate in need. never in my life have i thought lending others a hand will cost me that hand, and possibly even more. it is utterly ridiculous, considering that the whole series of events was an unfortunate turn of circumstances, but at the end of the day, i find myself the one bearing the cross, blamed for the cause, effect and the aftermath, because i made the irrevocable mistake of being there to help.


everyone was equal that day, each with his own set of issued items, except two persons who on medical status, naturally need not bring theirs along. then two sergeants, who obviously showed their displeasure being dragged out for sea training, decided to poke some fun at the two combat unfit guys. they got two lifevests from two other guys, and gave it to them to inflate, to have derive some warped pleasure at seeing them jump water.


just after the the vests were properly inflated, the combat unfit guys were asked to collect rations for the rest. relieved, they passed the vests to the people nearest to them and hurried off. the two sergeants too, scurried off at the chance of leaving the training ground.


not too long later, the two guys whose vests had been borrowed had to go on the raft urgently and needed the vests. they could only find one lying on the ground, and rushing for time, asked me for mine. so i removed mine for them, thinking i might have the time and opportunity to look for the missing other since i was not needed on the raft then. well, despite a extremely thorough search, it could not be found. i was forced to share the vest with the guy i lent it to for the rest of the day.


i totally could not ever have conceived my platoon commander's response in anticipation when i reported the whole sequence to him. he insisted that i pay for the vest, since now that, by his twisted argument, i was the one without the vest. i refused vehemently, because i did not lose mine, nor was in any way responsible for the misplaced vest.


it was what he told me next which made me absolutely provoked and infuriated. he asked me to get mine back from the guy i lent to, and he will be the one in trouble.


i refused again, but without the same vigor as i did just before. i had lost my confidence and faith in him as my commander. instead of solving the problem, he was trying to push the blame around. what point would it make if i passed the responsibility to the other guy? he too was trying to help. seems like either way, one of us will be punished. i didn't like the idea of getting another innocent involved in this. my commander said he will deal with me when my course ends. well, we'll see what he does.


they say trust takes a lifetime to build but only a moment to falter. in my case, it degenerates from one level of hell to another. this whole event only serves to discourage mutual succor, the so called platoon integrity he claims he wants us to have. but who knows who will be on the losing end? he somehow managed to make all these into a lose-lose situation. i abhor those who do not practise what they preach.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 7:14 PM

Sunday, June 15, 2003 :::
 


have you ever caught yourself in the midst of an act, realising you have condemned it just but a while back? how often have your mind and body wanted to do something so badly, yet your conscience had to restrain you not beacuse it is morally nor socially unacceptable, but simply because you once told someone not to do it?


i actually have this little compulsive idiosyncrasy which i discovered when i was in camp. i can't really put it to words, it gets on my nerves and makes me totally restless when the area around me is unorganised, at least to my standards. these will be the only times you will find me too quick to anger, too hasty to judge and too loose with my speech.


there was one time when my section mate was eating snacks at our bunk table and he ate while reading the papers. with his eyes still on the articles, he stretched out his hand, fumbled around with the chips pack, caused some to spill out, and then he grasped a handful of chips and placed them in front of him, creating a yet bigger mess. i was staring incredulously at him then, with my mouth wide in disbelief, and was starting to get irritable. i snapped at him to clear up what he had caused, and without looking up he said " yeah, later ". when he was finally done, he casually tossed the papers on the table, stuffed the empty chip pack under the weight of the papers and proceeded promptly to rest in bed. it was till that point i couldnt take it anymore. i marched up to him, confronted him and told him, this time with more vengeance, to clear up. when he again said later, i yelled some expletives and a lot of other ugly stuff at him and stormed out of the bunk.


yet, now in retrospect i realised, later in the day i was in the same circumstances as him. i was eating alone at the table, and when i finished my canned drink, it suddenly hit me that i had to throw such trash ( mainly sugared water ) in the main rubbish point at the far corner of the whole level. i wanted to just leave the can on the table and wait till we fall in, when we will pass by the bin. but, i just could not. just because i told someone off of a matter similar to this. i walked to the bin and threw my trash away.


it may seem ironic, but life chooses to happen this way. and if there was one thing important that i learnt from my days in the army, it is to have integrity. to be consistent in thoughts, speech and acts always. there will be nothing as damaging to one's reputation and others' trust in him than to have double standards.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 9:10 PM

Saturday, April 19, 2003 :::
 


i wandered into my parents' bathroom to shower, seeing that the bathroom i always use was occupied. i saw two unfamiliar bottles on the shower rack, and instinctively reached for them. cool, new shampoo and conditioner. in pretty little bottles too. i read the labels intentively, word by word, careful not to miss anything. the promises were pretty lofty, but they looked and smelled too good not to try. grasping each bottle with each hand, i wondered, whether to use shampoo first or conditioner first, and how long i must leave the conditioner on for maximum effect. finally deciding on shampoo-conditioner-shampoo sequence, i was trying to pour an adequate amount of shampoo onto my hand when i realised ... ... i have no hair.


on a totally unrelated note ...


i went for my first ever blood donation today. i was feeling good about myself until i reached the venue and saw the size of the needle used to extract blood. i wanted to chicken out, but then, i had many friends with me, so no choice, i had to hold on. i hated the blood test, where they used a small blade to make a tiny cut on my finger. although i knew the sharp pain wouldn't last even half a second, but somehow i just dread it. i tried to look cool and nonchalent when i laid on the reclining chair, and smiled at everyone i made eye contact with. the nurse arrived and told me she was going to inject some anesthesia. fine, i thought, until the feeling of my skin being penetrated jolted me out of my elevated self praise. and when the nurse waved the real needle in front of me and proceeded to pierce it through the blob casued by the anesthesia injection, i could almost feel myself blacking out. but i didn't feel a thing. the anesthesia saved me from utter embarrassment.


the rest moved on normally, and i could see my blood bag gradually being bloated with my blood. the nurse then snipped the connecting tube and filled some miniature test tubes with my blood, presumably to do tests on it. and i was finally done, much faster and painless than i thought.


well, my main message is that donating blood really does not hurt or cause intense pain. i've felt far sharper pain squeezing pimples than the pain i felt today totaled up. you may not have much money to give, but money is not and will not ever be a substitute for life. the ironic and strangely beautiful about life, and maybe perhaps love, is that the more you give, the more you actually have, and the world is a better and more humane place because of your selfless giving.



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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:07 PM

Sunday, March 23, 2003 :::
 


cold fire. business ethics. common oxymorons you might think. how about, initiative soldier? or, thinking army?


this whole thing is one big joke. compliance and utter obedience are forcibly and mercilessly emphasized from the very start. any deviant will warrant a healthy dose of music and physical maintenance. uniformity is enforced to the extent that you are, literally, the entire platoon. there is absolutely no detectable difference in the physical, emotional and mental state amongst the souls in the bunk.


" there is a standard way to do things in the army ", is the standard answer for questions requesting individualism and personalisation. everything, right down to the placement of your humble toothbrush, must be throuoghly discussed and performed. the only pitiful things that you can claim to be truly your original and customised work have to be covered up, with the standard orange cloth they provide you with.


it is little surprise that attempts to get us to take the initaitive will be a fiasco. wouldn't taking the initiative mean we will have to do something we are not told to, and definitely differently from the rest? nah. in the army, safety first, just like they always say anyway.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:25 PM

Tuesday, February 18, 2003 :::
 


i feel the end is near.


i feel the capacity of my lungs is getting increasingly smaller. i'm afraid. i will not hide it. i know this will be the first time i will be without the sancturary of the company of my family members and trusted friends. i know this will probably be the most fulfulling moment in my life to pass, but i cannot suppress the oncoming onslaught of fear and uncertainty. i'm not able to identify excatly what that is bothering me, what is causing me such unease and what is preventing me from embracing this new chapter in my life.


people i know have asked me how i feel about enlisting these few days. i've answered that i'm cool about it and that i'll be fine. in a way, that is true. there's a little voice in my heart cheering me on, excited about what will happen. in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm not intimidated by the training that will commence soon, nor about that i'll be meeting people from all backgrounds. but i'm really unwilling to leave behind unfinished work, unfulfilled dreams and un-commsumated relationships. i feel incomplete leaving just like that. i've failed to complete the work i've started on and failed to keep relationships that i've built strong. i can't start something new when the old is not restored to its glory. i'm afraid i will lose touch with all that is outside when i'm inside, and be left holding on the remains of what used to be.


nonetheless, i pray all the best in my stay and that i will have the courage, the strength, the faith to hold on. i will like to thank all those who had given me much inspiration and courage and all those who stood close to me, shared with me and most importantly, prayed for me. thank you. i'll be fine in there. my God is with me.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 1:26 AM

Thursday, January 23, 2003 :::
 


time is life. or is it? it looks to be. after all, everything whizzes by today. everyone rushes to somewhere, rushes through their meals and rushes through their relationships. it seems that time, or life, can scrimped and saved a little here, a little there. but it isn't really so.


let's say you are walking briskly along a path. there's a couple pushing a pram, moving rather slowly in front of you. there is only a short distance towards a X-junction where the path gets bigger and you can go around them there. but in your hurry, you say " excuse me ", and squeeze your way in front. you saved ten seconds. or did you? but you did not save ten seconds of life. it is gone. the ten seconds of time you saved will probably be wasted waiting for the bus or train. the ten seconds of life could be used, but you will rather save the ten seconds of time. what could have been ten seconds of slowing down your footsteps, observing the surrondings, the people, their emotions, or perhaps just admiring the baby in the pram. ten seconds of appreciating life. but you decide ten seconds of time is more important than ten seconds of life, or that maybe you haven't learnt to stop and take a look around, so you inconvenice the couple with their baby. all for ten seconds of useless time.


let's say you are going out to have fun with your friends. when you are about to leave the house, your brother asks you to teach him something. you estimate it will take around five minutes. you decide to help him instead of of telling him to work it out himself. so you lost five minutes. or did you? the five minutes probably would have been spent in the usual chatter with your friends. but you did not lose five minutes of life. you showed your brother that you really care and are willing to help. you gained your brother's trust and respect. the small five minutes of your time revealed how much you value your relationships.


time can be saved, but life can never be. no one gets extra life by doing things faster or being more effecient. every moment is life and when things are done so fast, it loses its fun and its meaning. and the time saved should not be selfishly hoarded and kept. use the time to help someone or wallow in the richness of life. appreciate life, think about it and see if you can make it better for yourself or some one else. don't ever be caught holding time in your hands, while life is being left behind.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:10 AM

Friday, January 17, 2003 :::
 


i came across the term " hippie " every now and then, but was never quite sure what it really meant. so i read about it and found that what the hippies believed in actually reflects some of my thoughts. amazingly, their concerns thirty years ago are similar to mine today.


the hippie movement started in the san francisco bay area in 1964 and spread across the united states to europe and australia. the largest musical festival of the hippie movement was woodstock '69, which half a million hippies turned up for a three day concert. but its heydays of the '60s and '70s are long gone. the annual rainbow family of light gathering of the tribes draws some 20,000 people for a weeklong backwoods celebration of '60s values.


music was the connection among hippies. they listened mostly to jazz, folk and mainstream rock like the beatles, the rolling stones and jimi hendrix. hence, they were also termed " the beat movement ".although only a fraction of the original hippies are still hippies, their ideals still hold true to this day, and because of this, most people are generally sympathetic to them and do not see them as the freaks they used to see them as.


the hippies are people who reject the teaching of the elders and break through the norm and the conventional to live a life that mocks capitalism and consumerism. they wore colourful handmade shirts, put flowers in their long hair, went around shoeless, and sported the " V " peace sign everywhere they went. they lived in seperate communities and searched for different social systems and living concepts. similar to zen of buddhism and acheiving nirvana, their method was an expansion of individual conscience by means of unrestricted alcohol and drug taking. truly, they freaked out those who abided by tradition and convention by practising free love, listening to rock n roll, using drugs freely and working only when it was absolutely necessary.


however, the most admirable thing about the hippies, to me, is not how different they looked, or that they were hardcore no-conformists. it is the inherent values that they hold that links me and them, through the time and space barrier. they chose to be free, in a land that was supposed to be free. they wanted personal freedom, to look they way they want. but it's not really about what they did. it must have been refreshing to have really long hair parted in the centre, and with a flower in those hair, to wear bright clothing, and walk around bare-footed, all without a care in the world. but it's the rationale behind all these, the desire for freedom, that is priceless, that i yearn. i can do anything to myself, not because i want to be different, but because i want the freedom to be different.


the hippies had the foresight to herald the impact of burgeoning trade and advancing techonology of the '60s and did not want to become slaves to capitalism. they practice anti-consumerism, and made their clothing themselves from old cloths. they made bead necklaces and exchanged it with other hippies, much like the friendship bracelets of today. they pointed out that it is materialism that causes inequality of wealth amongest people and it is this inequality that ultimately causes disputes and wars.


they are highly anti-war and anti-violence. in fact, the hippie movement was intended to protest against america's involvement in the vietnam war and wanted to bring all the soldiers home safely. they saw that it was not worth sending armies to fight and die for such a cause, and especially when it was not their war. it was between north and south vietnam, not america. although the cirucmstances are different today, i believe war cannot be the answer. there is no instance in history in which a bloodbath did solve any problem satisfactory to both sides.

the hippies believe in peace and love. the slogan for woodstock '69 was " three days of peace and love " and indeed, for three days, a mass gathering of half a million people occured without an instance of violence. the flower on thier heads symbolises peace and they believe in the flower power when it comes to settling any disputes. it included opening the other party to a new dimension and letting them see the problem from another way. mostly, they regard hostiliy and violence completely differently. they are not the same to them. it is possible to be hostile without being violent. this is especially true to me. i always thought that although relations might get sour among some people, but no one should ever seek to harm the other party.


i think the hippies do have some very noble ideals and although their numbers are dwindling, i believe those that remain are the true hippies, true to their non-conforming attitudes, true to their values, not there just for the drugs.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:19 AM

Monday, January 13, 2003 :::
 


im finally back. despite spending 2 nights there, i find that i have surprisingly little to write about it. it wasn't as fun as i hoped it might be. maybe i should have seen it coming, after all the unhappiness caused. no one mentioned anything about it there, everyone pretended to be nice and friendly. yeah. pretence. that's the word. the whole thing was just a pretence. no one was really happy. everyone acted well, and alcohol helped too. but there's no denial there's still something in between us.


when lynne shyly said she didn't know how to cycle, he asked her to repeat it. and when she did, he did this evil laugh and rolled all over the bed laughing. everyone was amused, and started giggling too, lynne included. only she stood in between him and lynne and sternly told him that lynne was her friend and not to bully her. well, come on, it's no secret she and lynne don't really see eye to eye with each other. who was she trying to influence into thinking she's a great friend, especially when it was so clear it was just a joke? she got serious when it was supposed to be fun and i bet she thought it was a good chance to prove she wasn't as bad as we made her out to be. what a pretence. ( i'm surprisingly unwilling to forgive eh? )


and of course, i backstabbed everyone again. i woke up pretty early on the second day and returned the bike i rented overnight on time to the store. when i came back, they were still sound asleep, and i decided against awaking them from their sweet slumber. i watched cartoons until they woke up two hours later and scrambled onto their bikes to return them. and of course, i feigned innocence and ignorance and deflected their questions by offering to help return one of the bikes. was that supposed to be revenge? i don't know. but i did make them pay though. they didn't even suspect a thing. haha. what a show i put up.


now i feel disgusted. what have i done? i feel i'm returning to the old me, which i swore to leave behind forever. this whole episode has brought out the worst in me and betrayed whatever i thought i believed in. is this who i really am, or is it them who forced this out of me? i don't really know. if i wanted to defend myself, i could say i haven't technically sinned. or even lied for that matter. i merely allowed them to continue sleeping instead of waking them up. but i know something is wrong. very wrong in fact. i haven't felt this bad about myself for some time.



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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:06 PM

Wednesday, January 08, 2003 :::
 


i feel like this vengeful monster who only has hatred and contempt. i hate this. i want to be happy and cheerful too, and to go to the chalet and enjoy. but i just can't take it lying down.




freak, i sent my reply out.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:48 PM

 


i'm getting really sick about the whole thing. i just wrote a scathing reply, but i'm not sure if i really want to send it out. i don't want to ruin everything, now that it's only a few days away. but if i don't send it out, i can't get back at them for saying such nasty words. maybe i shouldn't stoop to their level, they disgust me anyway.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 3:07 PM

Tuesday, January 07, 2003 :::
 

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

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::: posted by Richard Wan at 8:24 PM

Monday, January 06, 2003 :::
 


Spiritual Journal


Hi Sharon,


i think God has really done a lot in me this past week. i actually flipped through the recruit page of the classified section of the straits times, and dialed a number for a job application. i wouldn't have the courage before. i was afraid, scared of the going somewhere i've never gone before and terrified of outright rejection. but i prayed, and God gave me the strength and tranquility to take this step forward.


so i went for the application for this job of helping around in minimarts during the chinese new year season. but it required me to work every single day, from morning opening of the minimart to the closing late at night. i declined this job, although i really wanted something to do, but i had to consider all my other commitments. the pay isn't that great either. actually the pay is not a major consideration, i don't need that much money. but i would like some work that is productive and which will leave me some time for my other activities. i wouldn't even mind working for nothing. and oh, helping out at children's church last thursday night was fun. ok, maybe not really fun. but even though it was just carrying stuff around and arranging chairs, i felt this was rewarding. perhaps not physically or materially, but somehow i felt really good about myself the whole night.


alright, i'm mad, and really disappointed in one of my friends. i don't know what happened, but lately, she has turned into this domineering creature. maybe her renewed relationship with her guy has given her so much confidence that it oozes out in the form of arrogant statements. i don't know, but what she wrote, although most ain't directed at me, irks me so much that i feel like swearing at her. maybe no one really notices her choice of words, or maybe i'm overreacting, but this is the feeling she gives me when i read her emails. she said her dream is to be a successful businesswoman, but from what i see, unless she changes, she has got a long long way to go. for one, i wouldn't want to deal with someone who thinks he's so high and mighty. God bless her.


and of course, i seem like a sneaky backstabber talking bad behind someone's back, but i don't really care much now. i'm not asking anyone to buy into my story, or to deliberately add meanings to her words. i put my integrity on the line for what i say , and if someday someone wants me to take responsibility for my words , i will not deny it.




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::: posted by Richard Wan at 4:45 PM

 


i saw her rebuking her boyfriend for using swear words. but she's none better herself. the email she posts to the class ring shows her domineering nature and it stinks. it's like she's the one in charge and giving orders around. " u pple just get $15 ready", " we'll decide how to split the cost". i'll rather she use swear words than these statements.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:29 AM

Saturday, January 04, 2003 :::
 


have you noticed that when you're standing in the train, and the train has constant jerks, you always have a foot pivoted on the ground, and the other foot moves around to balance yourself ? you don't really change the pivotal foot until the train completely throws you off balance. this is the time when you panic and stuggle to learn to use either foot as pivot, as circumstances dictates.


this is quite like life. everyone has a pivot somewhere, a place where all their hopes and dreams are anchored. it may be family, career, or simply just clinging to nostalgia. if all your life experiences is small humps and bumps, chances are you will continue to use what you have chosen as the centre of your life. it is only when life throws something totally unexpected at you, at such a short notice, that you realise you've got to move or fall.


having a pivot is in life is important. the only ones who doesn't have any pivot are those who have fallen. however, life is unpredictable, and change is the only constant in life. one cannot be too stubborn or too unwilling to lift that pivotal foot and plant it somewhere where it will keep him in balance.


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::: posted by Richard Wan at 2:06 AM